Friday, February 23, 2007
so it's 4.15 in the morning,
my friend is sleeping on my bed after having waaaay too much to drink and puking in my bathroom
and my heart is broken
yet again.
i made the number one stupid mistake of drunk dialing-
of all people, bram-
and it happened that he was sitting on his couch sipping wine.
i asked him if he was on a date. and of course, he was.
story of my motherfucking life.
funny isn't it??
i just broke down in the middle of the party
it hurt so bad.
and then, i texted him and told him something along the lines of...
"sorry to interrupt your date. have fun. i don't think we should see each other anymore. have a good life bram"
i cannot believe that after one and a half years i'm still so hung up over this fucker.
and to think i would've done anything for him. i loved him.
i loved him despite of the fact that he didn't, despite the fact that he treated me like shit, despite the fact that i constantly think of him even though it's been a long time. despite all of that nonsense, i still feel my heart skip a beat everytime he called or emailed.
it's such a terrible feeling to want to love but not be loved in return
how could zoltan ever want me??
i fucking don't deserve this!
i don't believe in love. and it's only because it doesn't exist, and it will always, always hurt.
why can't i just be normal and just focus on my studies, get a boring job, marry someone i don't love, have kids and then die???
fuckkkkkk this feels so awful
wai * 10:15 PM *